Wrestlemania 29 Non-Live Commentary

I missed Wrestlemania 29 completely as I went to a Green Day concert after my long day at MoCCaFest which will be covered on this website in full very soon.

On my way to Green Day and while there I wrote a few fake Facebook statuses and Twitter tweets. They were as follows
Omg I can’t believe @HulkHogan joined @TheShieldWWE #WrestleMania utterly insane!
Oh no word from the back @WWEFandango and @BradMaddoxIsWWE were with the Bella twins so there’s a new main. Them vs Cena & Bryan
George Steel head butted The Undertaker and then Ultimate Warrior ran in and pedigreed HHH! Wrestlemania is insane!
Holy shit! Ken Shamrock stole money in the bank from Dolph Ziggler and cashed in on the rock!

I decided to watch Wrestlemania and instead of actually live tweeting or facebooking to just write all my thoughts down on paper. I also threw some other thoughts towards friends and recorded some commentary starting after The Shield match which I’ve edited down to a short random podcast live reaction type thing, but without time codes or Rifftrax so it’ll only make sense to those who watch WM, but that’s who this is for.

Here we go with the literally commentary:

The Wrestlemania set is both beautiful and stupid. Vince McMahon sounding like his old school commentator bit was just weird… “How about them apples?” I don’t know sir, I don’t know.. are they Mackintosh? Are they Granny Smith?

Matt Striker and Josh Matthews would be the guys who would do the entire Wrestlemania broadcast in a perfect world. Even on a Swansung! I want a swansung!

I’m okay with tweet and Tout stuff on Active, but if that stuff is on the PPV, well, If I spent $60 I’d demand a refund just because I don’t purchase commercials.

Kofi Kingston doesn’t win matches but he gets to share commentary with Jim Ross and Dusty Rhoades? I have no idea what they want with this guy anymore.

Wait, We The People used a clip of young George Bush and Barbara? That’s actually really awesome and hilarious… he should be the champion damn it… because, well, Alberto Del Rio sucks. He’s talking about the Statue of Liberty? He’s from Mexico, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, a man who thinks he was born to be the world champion. It’s still one of the most unrealistic face turns ever, it’s just insincere and makes no sense.

The “Coming Home” fan collection video made for Wrestlemania featured my friend Sam Fines and his son doing the “Millions and Millions of Dollars” dance and that is awesome.

When Matt Striker said the crowd was electric they looked like they were dead and then they piped in fake yelling. That’s kind of a bad sign.

I need to skip these packages, I’ve been watching WWE for weeks and they’ve been showing these things non stop. This isn’t really a one hour pre-show if it’s all filler like this.

Pretty damn loud “We Want Ryder” Chant! Well loud enough that it came through loud and clear. I mean sure they’re in his hometown, but the fact that existed should count for something.

Heymanstein??!?!? That was horrible.

WWE fans are scary or at least that’s what WWE wants us to think.

Snooki wants to be fucked by The Miz. I wonder if she ACTUALLY Really, REALLY sent that Tweet.
The Miz’ jacket is freaking awesome, I want that jacket. I want that jacket NOW! Buy me that Jacket!

I actually really liked that segment. Barrett and Miz at least in a backstage segment didn’t seem bothered by the fact that they’re on Active.

I always forget that new blonde’s name they have for event centers and backstage interviews, but she seriously is adorable. I like how Un-Diva she is. She’s just an attractive woman who can add class to the show.

Really, Kofi thinks Henry vs. Ryback matters? It doesn’t… does it? I don’t think it does…does it?

And even ACTIVE, a APP only show has commercials.

JUDAH!!!!!! I like Judah actually. He’s good people.

This show still has no reason to be an hour. Just so we can hear Dusty, Kofi and JR ramble about a show that people had at that point decided they would shell $60/70 for the PPV?

FINALLY! Miz vs. Barrett for the INTERCONTINENTAL championship.

Why did Justin Roberts say The Miz like he was George Wednt on SNL? Ya know… The Bears.

I still want Miz’ coat.

I’m very happy they didn’t have Barrett tap out to the figure four without Miz even working the legs first. Barrett then did a really weak slam. Then the drop toe hold into a second figure four in the middle of the ring… that was a well constructed match.

I hope with The MIZ as IC champ he’ll maybe get proper TV time and bring some fun to RAW, since it doesn’t have enough fun. In just seven minutes (backstage, ring entrance, match, exit) he and Barrett showed what you can do with just a short amount of time and still prove you deserve a spot and TV time on a regular basis.

Oh jeez… really? We open with a speech from Chris Christie on Sandy? Really? This is not what I want from Wrestlemania. WWE is escape from reality. Not a reflection of it. This is not a good way to open a show. This is actually the worst opening I’ve ever seen. Then the freaking National Guard??! I WANT ESCAPE! ESCAPE!

The show isn’t starting? We need a freaking video package about Wrestlemania itself on top of that NJ opening? This was so uneeded… why is this on my show? GIVE ME WRESTLING! I guess Fast Forward is my friend!

Last year Sheamus won the world title in 18 seconds, this year he’s the third person to come out to the stage with two former champions.
The Big Show shouldn’t fist bump, what if the WOMD breaks their hands??!

Seth Rollins rolling flip over the guardrail was freaking awesome. Seriously the awesome reeking off The Shield is just well… a lot. They stink of awesome. Sure it helps that thy’re being booked as seriously tough as well, able to come back from beatdowns from the three biggest forces in WWE and then do a beatdown, but they’re “realistic” in it. I believe in The Shield.

Show’s face of sadness when Orton decided to be selfish Orton and then not helping when Reigns does the spear was good booking actually. Probably I bet the only good booking on this entire show! We’ll see… we shall see.

I would still have sex with Snooki. Well if I was the kind of guy who just had sex with women or ever had sex with anyone ever that I wasn’t in love with. I am not in love with her and never will be.

Two big men are hitting each other. Something is just missing here. It just doesn’t feel like Wrestlemania. Even the opening match while fun didn’t feel like Wrestlemania.

This is some seriously weird ass booking. Big Show goes heel again out of jealousy and anger over Randy Orton. Rybak loses and still destroys Mark Henry. It just doesn’t do anything. What does It establish? I assume Ryback wants another match because he’ll want the official win? I don’t know man… I don’t know.

Dolph Ziggler needs to stop doing that perfect dropkick as a favor to Michael McGillicutty. He’ll never become the new Curt Hennig as long as Nic is playing the role.

This is poor poor poor booking. It’s just not being well done. It’s doesn’t feel big.

Then We get FANDANGO and it feels like Wrestlemania. The grandeur, the display, the excitement. Johnny Curtis is ready to shut everyone up. The flamenco music sucks though.

That match was exciting, energetic and showed how good both men, but the way it was booked and choereographed was horrendous. The ending was a joke and not a good way for something on Wrestlemania to end. This is Wrestlemania right?

I’m skipping Diddy,

Why did they torture the fans with Swagger/Del Rio going as long as it did? I had to skip ahead… It was just boring. I can’t accept this Super Del Rio. The lock to arm breaker to lock was cool, but that Del Rio survived it is ridiculous.

It is Wrestlemania again finally after a match that must’ve completely drained the audience. It drained me and I watched it in fastforward.

The entrances by Punk and UT were awesome. Although UT’s was a little too long. Just my feeling.

UT and Punk definitely knew they were at WM in delivering a match.

That elbow drop spot on the announcer table was absolutely insane.

I must admit… that match was awesome. Punk and UT delivered.

Slim Jim advertisement??!?!?!

What happened to Brock Lesnar before Wrestlemania? His eye was jacked (looked like a broken orbital bone) and his back was red and welted. Michael Cole brings up the welts and mouse, but they were there BEFORE the match started!

Before Wrestlemania I thought only Fandango, Jericho, Undertaker and CM Punk would do anything Wrestlemania worthy. I was completely right.

I don’t have the patience to watch this horrible match all the way through.

Wrestlemania = Slim Jims, National Guard and Movie Trailers.

I honestly think I’m not even bothering watching The Rock vs. John Cena. I just don’t care… I just don’t. So thus ends my Wrestlemania commentary!

Hope you enjoy. Think of it as if I was tweeting the whole time!